Imagine: someone approaches you at Burke, you dance, exchange snapchats, and end up at their place for the night. Or, you get an exclusive upstairs tour of your least favorite party house. As he shows you around his room, you compliment his Cozy Cat, and are invited onto the bed. Between long kisses, you expose your souls. As the conversation unfolds, so does the physicality. You share an intense and emotional sexual experience that ends in back scratches, cuddles, forehead kisses and fingers running through hair. In the morning, you wake up, talk, kiss some more, and linger in bed for as long as you can keep him from the group project meeting or team lift he has to run to.
During your Sunday brunch debrief with your best friend, you’re still riding the high. You recount every detail, from the way he held your face to what he said as he left. Then, your heart drops as you see him walk through the front door of Commons. Should you say hi? Wave? Smile? As you’re deliberating your approach to this first public interaction, he breezes right past your table, not batting an eye.
You can’t help but wonder, what changed in the hours between leaving his room and the next time you saw him?
Casual hookups at Bates are often two-faced. There’s a sense of intimacy and connection that seems to dissipate the moment you shower and see them the next morning.
This is weird.
How has Bates fostered a hookup culture where you can kiss a boy on Mount David and talk about your deepest insecurities until 4 am, and then not be able to look each other in the eye for the rest of your undergraduate career? Did he tell you his life story just to take your pants off? What pressure and norms encourage men here to act this way?
Bates somehow perpetuates a culture where men can play boyfriend for a night. In every hookup at Bates, there are some unspoken undertones of sincerity, intention, and earnestness – either feigned or real – that don’t exist outside of the bedroom. Many men here are able to receive and reciprocate the tenderness and vulnerability they crave, reemerging as a single man in the morning and leaving their momentary lover in shambles.
This practice of beguiling and deception can be excruciating for the recipient because it blurs lines, creates expectations and false hope that is swiftly crushed by the initiator. These mixed signals are emotionally manipulative, and when done knowingly, sinister. To make matters worse, women who become attached or feel slighted by this are often framed as clingy and crazy.
This is especially confusing considering Bates’ highly publicized reputation as a place where you could meet your future spouse. We all know that 12.5% of Bates graduates go on to marry another Batesie. How naive are we really to believe in the spontaneous romance of a Burke hookup?
In other places, casual sex stays casual. Tinder hookups don’t imply a future. Friends with benefits arrangements aren’t as deeply confusing.
What makes this unique to Bates is our population of merely 1800 students. The emotional impacts of performed affection are only escalated by the inescapable routine of awkward interactions and reminders of rejection. Your ex-lover is at the next table over in Commons, on your path to the best study spot in Ladd, holding the door for you in Chase, or enrolled in your seminar next semester. He once snored in your ear and now you’re victim to hearing him participate in class.
This raises the question: what are we owed in casual relationships while residing in such an insular environment? If we can agree that these nights feel good, how can we mitigate hurt feelings and prevent blurry lines while continuing to enjoy them?
Be clear with your intentions. To help you out, I’ve written up some helpful guidelines for you to follow.
Guidelines to casual hookups:
- No forehead kisses
- Do not lend your clothes
- Do not speak about your passions or interests
- Do not go on an actual date
If you can’t keep to these guidelines, it is unreasonable and emotionally manipulative to expect someone to feel casually about you afterwards. I say to you, men of Bates, stop leading us on.
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published with a photo that was improperly acquired. The photo has since been taken down.
March 9, 10:30 am: Edited for clarity.
