How much do you know about the female orgasm? Are you on #CreamTeam or #SquirtSquad? Is the G-spot a real thing? Orgasm is a biological process that is thoroughly researched and understood in bodies with penises, yet still shrouded in mystery and stigma in bodies with vulvas.
To address Bates students’ questions about female pleasure, The Student, via email, interviewed Jennifer Wiessner, a local sex therapist who has previously contributed to Sex Week coverage. Wiessner is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, sex educator, couples therapist, and consultant based in Maine.
Questions and answers were edited for brevity.
Why do you think female pleasure is such a mystery? Why is it important to educate?
Wiessner: Female pleasure isn’t actually a mystery. What’s mysterious is how little we’ve historically thought or taught about it. For generations, sexual education and cultural narratives have centered on male bodies and male pleasure, while female anatomy, desire, and arousal were ignored, minimized, or misunderstood, leading to an almost mythological creation about it.
Patriarchal norms and cultural discomfort with women’s sexuality have left many people without accurate information about how female pleasure actually works. Female orgasm has not been understood or taught openly, causing it to be framed as complicated or unknowable.
Education matters because understanding anatomy, communication, consent, and pleasure helps people build healthier relationships with their bodies and with partners. When we normalize learning about female pleasure, we reduce shame, improve sexual wellbeing, and support more equitable, intimate relationships for everyone.
I’ll now ask some questions about female pleasure submitted by Bates Students. “How long on average does it take a person with a vulva to orgasm?”
Wiessner: There actually isn’t a single “average” time, because arousal and orgasm vary widely from person to person and from situation to situation with beautiful, unique diversity. What we do know from research is that many people with vulvas take longer to reach orgasm than people with penises. Somewhere in the range of about 10–20 minutes of consistent stimulation, particularly clitoral stimulation for many.
That difference isn’t a dysfunction; it reflects the physiology of arousal and the fact that most vulvas require sustained, direct stimulation of the clitoris. This is why medically accurate, solid sex education is so important, so we can understand the mechanisms of pleasure and have more patience and appreciation for the variability of arousal versus relying on myth, misinformation, and pressure.
“What is squirting exactly? How many people with vaginas squirt when they finish?”
Wiessner: Squirting is the release of fluid from the urethra during sexual arousal or orgasm in some people with vulvas. Research suggests the fluid often comes from the bladder, sometimes mixed with fluid from the Skene’s glands. Not everyone experiences squirting; only some people do, and it isn’t a sign of better sex or a goal people need to aim for. It’s simply one of many normal ways bodies can respond during sexual pleasure. Remember, that sexual diversity is what makes it great!
“Other than ejaculation, are there other physical signals of orgasm?”
Wiessner: Yes. Orgasm involves all kinds of physical responses in the body: rhythmic contractions in the pelvic floor muscles, increased heart rate and breathing, a release of sexual tension, muscle tightening, and skin temperature changes, to name a few. Like many aspects of sexuality, the experience can look and feel a little different from person to person.
“Is the G-Spot real?”
Wiessner: There’s lots of debate on this and again a little bit of mythology. The G-spot isn’t a separate “button” inside the body, the way it’s often described in popular culture. Most researchers understand it as an area on the front wall of the vagina that is connected to the internal parts of the clitoral network and surrounding erectile tissue.
Some may find stimulation there pleasurable, while others don’t notice anything particularly special about it. From a sex therapy perspective, the most helpful approach to this question is moving away from the idea of finding a hidden spot and focusing on understanding the whole clitoral system and how different kinds of touch feel good for each person. The best way to know is to ask and experiment together.
“Why can’t I orgasm when I’m sad?”
Wiessner: Great question! This has a lot to do with our nervous system. What emotional state we are in has a powerful effect on our sexual response. When someone is feeling sad, overwhelmed, or preoccupied with something else, the nervous system often shifts away from the relaxed state that supports sustaining arousal and orgasm. In other words, the body has another job it is managing: processing emotions, rather than building sexual excitement. If the sad emotional lever is on, it’s hard to have the sexual excitement lever on too. It’s a very common and normal experience, and it doesn’t mean anything is wrong.
“I enjoy sex, but I’ve never been able to orgasm, and I don’t know why.”
Wiessner: This is actually a very common experience, especially for people with vulvas, and it doesn’t mean anything is “wrong” with your body. It could be due to minimal or no education, shame growing up, and lack of personal experimentation, to name a few reasons.
Orgasm often depends on factors like the kind of stimulation being used. Many people need direct or consistent clitoral stimulation, as well as comfort, communication, emotional safety, and feeling relaxed in the moment. Many people were never given a thorough sexual education about their anatomy or pleasure, so sometimes it’s simply a matter of learning what works for your body.
With curiosity, patience, and the right information, many people discover new ways of experiencing pleasure and orgasm. It is your birthright and one of the coolest gifts your body has to offer. Remember that pleasure is the measure, not the form, content, or destination. Focus on the pleasure…that is the best way to guide yourself to the possibility of orgasm.
