The Voice of Bates College Since 1873

The Bates Student

The Voice of Bates College Since 1873

The Bates Student

The Voice of Bates College Since 1873

The Bates Student

How to Survive Quarantine: A Parody

We all know the preventative measures we need to take in order to combat the spread of the coronavirus—wash your hands, social distancing, etc. But what about quarantine? Many of us are back at home with our families, intruding into the empty nests of our parents. How will we survive being cooped up at home with our families for months on end? Here are a few rules to help you survive these trying times.

Rule 1: No Board Games

You’ve seen every movie and TV show on Netflix. You’ve looked at your old high school yearbook and done all your homework for your next Zoom. What now? Maybe I can play a board game with my family, you think. Just like during the holidays!


These are not the holidays. Normally, as college students, we know that if something goes wrong at home it’s ok, because we’ll be back on campus in a few weeks anyway. But now, with school out till next fall, we have no escape for months. If a monopoly game goes wrong now, that could spell disaster not just for a few weeks of winter break, but truly the entire spring. And I know what you’re thinking — not all board games are as competitive as Monopoly! Surely a game of Scrabble or Clue wouldn’t do any harm. 

Again, wrong.

 Board games are all overly competitive, and even the most seemingly docile game (looking at you Mouse Trap) has the capability to turn brother against brother. (Better to play it safe and not play at all).

Rule 2: Become Nocturnal

The key to creating a serene quarantine environment, much like the key to stopping the spread of corona, is to limit contact with other people. This can be difficult when your entire family is required to stay at home all day every day, but by transforming yourself into a creature of the night, you can become the night itself.

In fact, don’t just become a creature of the night, PHYSICALLY BECOME THE NIGHT. Allow your skin to pale and your nails to grow, so that your very image inspires HORROR in all who look upon. No one’s gonna want to come near you, even during the day! 

Other reasons to adapt a nocturnal lifestyle:

  1. Batman does it
  2. See reason #1

Rule 3: Label Stuff

While I love my family, I recognize that I have individual needs, which—at the end of the day—are, in all honesty, my number one priority. Aside from delivery services, all we can eat is what’s in the house. I’m not the one who buys the groceries. That’s my mom’s job. But I make sure that what food is mine (by virtue of the fact I’m the one who requested my mom to buy it) is labeled as such. Colored Post-it Notes will help distinguish what’s yours from what everyone else’s. This is not the time for sharing, this is the time for boundaries. It’s going to hurt, telling a member of your family they can’t have your food. But that hurt’s gonna go away real quick on a full belly. 

Rule 4: Try Not to Be Sober

Everything is more tolerable when you’re intoxicated. Ron Swanson once said, “There’s no wrong way to ingest alcohol.” Similarly, during quarantine, there’s no wrong way to avoid sobriety. It won’t be easy. You can probably still buy alcohol, but many other avenues to Flavortown are gonna be closed for a while. Dealers and dispensaries are both becoming increasingly unreliable. But don’t worry, there’s more than one way to get your buzz on. Sharpies, bath salts, gasoline are all suitable alternatives. None of those on hand? Then get creative with it! Remember, the only way to answer the question “Will this get me high?” is by trying it out yourself!

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