Coronavirus? Like the beer?

Roy Mathews

I was recently reminded to look for the comedically-dark silver lining in this pandemic after watching an episode of “Spongebob Squarepants” (judge me, please). Sandy Cheeks, everyone’s favorite undersea squirrel, remarked that, “stupidity isn’t a virus, but it sure is spreading like one!” With that in mind, here is a collection of quotes, deeds, and public statements from leaders, celebrities, and regular folks who, even during a pandemic, can’t seem to keep their foot out of their mouths.

  • U.S. President Donald Trump dismissed the virus, saying that “like a miracle, it will disappear” in a televised meeting on February 27, when cases in the U.S. stood at 58.
  • China’s Foreign Ministry Spokesman Lijian Zhao remarked on Twitter that he thinks that the virus has been in America “for awhile. Do you guys remember how sick everyone was during the holidays? And how everyone was saying they had the flu and the flu shot didn’t work?” 
  • Hindu ultra-nationalist Parliamentarian Suman Haripriya told citizens that “cow urine and cow dung can be used to combat the outbreak,” according to the India Times.
  • Multi-millionaire televangelist Kenneth Copeland told his congregation, “Don’t you stop your tithing” in response to news reports that millions could lose their jobs. 
  • Multiple Hollywood stars came together in their mansions to sing John Lennon’s “Imagine”, where they sing of a world of no possessions…unironically. The fact that the rich and famous have better access to virus test kits made the subpar singing tone-deaf to most.
  • Former Oasis frontman Liam Gallagher believed that he had been infected by the virus according to Forbes. However, after some time he concluded his house was “just hot.” Watch those thermostats everyone.  
  • Multiple Miami spring breakers remarked that, “we’ve been planning this trip for two month, and like, I think it’s being blown way out of control” and “I just turned twenty-one and I’m here to party”, according to USA Today. Being twenty-one myself, I want to know where they bought good genes from so I can ask my daddy for them too. 
  • Another official from China’s Foriegn Ministry, Geng Shuang, wondered that “It might be the U.S. military who brought the epidemic to Wuhan. Be transparent!” in an article from The New York Times.
  • Trump lapdog Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA) remarked on Fox Business that “one of the things you can do, if you’re healthy, you and your family, it’s a great time to just go out, go to a local restaurant, you can get in easily.” He then blamed the Deep State for misrepresenting what he said. 
  • Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei of Iran balked at U.S. assistance to help stop the spread of the virus, asserting that “Who in their right mind would trust you to bring them medication? Possibly your medicine is a way to spread the virus more.” according to Politico
  • Russian dictator Vladimir Putin triumphantly declared that “the situation is under control. Thanks to prompt measures taken proactively in the first weeks of the epidemic…we managed to contain the massive-I would like to underscore-massive penetration and spread of the infection in Russia.” Sure Vlad, whatever you say.
  • Venezuelan dictator Nicolás Maduro continued to undermine his nonexistent legitimacy by asserting that “much global analysis shows that the coronavirus could be a strain created for biological warfare against China.” 
  • Finally, South Carolina Senator Tim Scott released a virus factsheet, which warned citizens that “Drinking bleach will NOT protect you from infection.” Shoutout to my home state Senator for stating…what I think is the obvious. 

While the vast majority of us are stuck inside in quarantine, we can all rest assured that Bates and Bates students are smart enough to take this virus seriously. Whether you’re passing the time by reading, writing, exercising, or eating all the food in your house, know that while the statements above make me question my faith in humanity, the world and you will get through this. Wash your hands, stay inside, and don’t be like these idiots, and stay safe out there Bates.