I recently worked a summer job where I got close to some older coworkers. One man, in his 40s, really stood out to me—he shared a lot about his life and went out of his way to help me with things. He was incredibly generous, kind, and sweet and I began to look up to him as a father figure. However, recently, I found out from a female coworker, who I also became close to, that he yelled at her during work because he was having a bad week, and she said that it’s something that has happened before. This really shook me because it didn’t align with the person I thought I knew. Now, I feel deeply conflicted. I care about him and admire many aspects of his personality, but knowing he has this darker side has completely changed how I see him. I still care about him, and that makes me feel guilty, like I’m excusing behavior I know isn’t okay. How do I reconcile these feelings and navigate being around him? How can I accept that someone I look up to can also act in hurtful ways, without losing sight of my own values?

Dear Friend of a Complicated-Coworker,

Thank you for writing in. I really appreciate you taking the time to bring this concern to light, as I think these professional dynamics and dilemmas are important to be able to navigate as we leave Bates and enter the scary “real world.”

To address your question… I think the issue you are running into is one of conflicting information: your coworker is kind, but also seemingly angry and forceful. I think the first step to understanding what your professional relationship looks like with this person is to realize that these qualities are not contrary. Someone can be kind, and still have bad days where they are not kind. Virtues like kindness are difficult to maintain indefinitely. 

That being said, I don’t necessarily think that he should be let off the hook, so to speak. If it is indeed an issue that other coworkers have brought to your attention, it’s something worth addressing; not just for improving a professional relationship, but clearing up how to navigate a personal relationship. I suggest if you do continue to work with this person, that you make use of your strong bond to address his frustration and expression of such in a way that seeks to understand and not punish. 

I think the response to an honest conversation like that will be incredibly telling about your second question about admiring this person. A true test of his humility and kindness will be how he responds to criticism. Beyond just his response, keep an eye out for if the behavior itself changes. If you do, intuitively, I believe you will know better if this is a person worth admiring. 

That all being said, we are all messy, complicated people in our own regards. As we get older, more experienced, we become a little bit better at keeping a more orderly appearance. Everyone still has off days, makes mistakes, and acts in ways that seem contradictory to who they are and want to be. What is telling, and important, is how one navigates their own mistakes. The best thing we can do for each other is be kind, and hold each other responsible where we can. 

Hoping it all works out,
Bert