The air’s getting crisp; corn inexplicably decorates entrances to campus buildings; the leaves are awash in red-orange-golden hues. It’s that time of year again. Hello, October! And with the arrival of the calendar year’s tenth month comes a very important time for America’s youth, vacant storefronts in strip malls, and those who (correctly) understand that Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups taste better in festive shapes. As pumpkin and skeleton decor adorn front porches and Spirit Halloween ads haunt my internet browser, it’s oh-so-clear that Halloween is upon us. Seminal 2004 film “Mean Girls” billed the 31st night of October as “the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut, and no other girls can say anything about it.” Not to discount this early-aughts wisdom, but in the year 2023, perhaps we might set our sights a little higher and envision Halloween as a night where any of us might be anyone or anything we want to be.
Who am I kidding? Of course there are expectations associated with Halloween! Especially here at Bates. Amidst our community of intelligent, cultured, funny and quirky (especially quirky) people, many feel an expectation to garb themselves for a night (or two or three) in a costume simultaneously attractive yet clever; culturally-attuned yet unique. What a line to walk! Every year, the myriad of sagacious and sexy costumes people conjure up never fails to impress me. Of course, I don’t want to disregard tried-and-true classic costumes such as: Witch! Cat! Frat Boy! If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Additionally, there’s something incredible about observing the cultural epochs Halloween encapsulates. The Barbies and Kens that will flood the streets and Instagram feeds this year will assume a place in history alongside the Lady Gagas and Jersey Shore cast members of Halloween 2011 (what a time to be alive!). But for those in search of something a little less normcore and a little more niche, I’ve compiled a list of potential costumes – some Bates-centric, some more of the underground-yet-culturally-savvy persuasion – but all definitively, wonderfully, exceptionally sexy.
1. Sexy Commons Paper Plate
Whether you relish the catharsis of chucking your whole plate into the trash (down with that hippie composting!) or mourn the absence of the big bowls (how else am I supposed to make a salad?) during Friday and Saturday meals, you likely have strong feelings about the dawn of the disposable dishes. Make your concern about paper plates and your creativity known to all by dressing up as a risque rendition of our tableware. Dare to go beyond (and by that I mean sexier than) the ensemble’s costumes in your high school’s production of “Beauty and the Beast.” Bonus points for using actual paper plates from Commons.
2. Sensual New York Times Connections
Showing off your sharp acumen and erudite tendencies doesn’t have to be reserved for when you’re bored during lectures! Flex how much better you are than those 2048 or solitaire-playing bums, and dress up as New York Times’ grooviest new game. And maybe, just maybe, your sexy getup will lead to you making some Connections of your own.
3. SeXC SWLC/SASC
Just the vest.
4. Sultry George Santos’ Husband
Is he real? Is he merely a PR stunt? While those facts remain dubious, what’s not up for debate is that on September 29, via X (formerly known as Twitter) Representative George Santos revealed he had a husband for no occasion other than the death of Senator Diane Feinstein, naturally. Hard launch your political awareness, keen sense of humor and your rockin’ bod by dressing up as “Matt.”
5. Your Enemy from Your Discussion-Based Class (But Hot)
What’s scarier than that one person (almost every class has one) raising their hand and getting called on? Bring on the spooky this Halloween and channel that certain individual who finds a way to veer class discussions in an entirely unnecessary direction. Except you’re the sexy version! Why dress up as the devil when you can be that guy who “just wants to play devil’s advocate”? This costume offers ample room for creative interpretation, and while it may only be relevant to that specific seminar, sometimes you have to do things for yourself. Heaven knows those particular class participants aren’t shy about making things all about them.
6. Slutty Hathorn Hall Radiator
Loud? Annoying? In need of a costume that embodies these traits? Look no further than the ever-grumbling, room-shaking and altogether dynamic (read: dysfunctional) radiator of Bates’ oldest building. This costume will provide you plenty of opportunities to interrupt other people, make odd noises and generally be off-putting, which, personally, are things I’m always trying to do on a night out. And hey, you can’t say you aren’t keeping things hot.
Whether you take my sage advice, opt for something off the beaten path, or embrace the mainstream this Halloween, remember that when you wake up the next day, you’ll live with the consequences of your actions not as your costume, but as yourself. Your identity as Fergie performing the national anthem or sexy Nancy Pelosi won’t shield you from the brutal reality of cause-and-effect. Then again, you only have so many collegiate Halloweens. Make ‘em count.
