There’s a saying in biology that form follows function–the shape of ribosomes, DNA, enzymes, etc. The very makeup of these structures allows them to create life with power and efficiency. So if this fundamentally ‘natural’ principle is true, we’ve come to wonder – if certain individuals on this campus are so invested in going “back to nature,” then why do you persist in carrying your belongings around in the least functional way possible? We’ve all seen you, water bottles swinging, tote bags flying in every direction, keys jangling like a symphony of janitorial effect. Funnily enough, we’ve never actually witnessed y’all eating granola.

  We point these things out not out of malice, but legitimate curiosity. When your impeccably knit, warm winter hat doesn’t even cover your ears but instead perches oh-so-nicely atop your head, we wonder if you’re sacrificing keeping those little ears warm just so you can better hear someone exclaim, “damn, man, you’re so crunchy.” 

Do you really enjoy spending all of your waking hours at the rock climbing wall, or do you just want to be the star of the next “Free Solo”? Or maybe you’re training for scaling a tree to hide from campus safety next Saturday night. We would pay to watch that standoff. Hey, who knows, we’re not here to judge (we are absolutely here to judge). Perhaps there’s an upcoming American Ninja Warrior casting right here in Lewiston, Maine. We’re sure you guys would kill it.

  You guys aren’t doing anything wrong, per se, save for when you and your water bottle affixed to your person come swinging into us at ninety miles per hour in the line for chicken nuggets. If you really cared about the environment, you would be getting all of your food from the vegan bar anyways, not just on pad thai day like the rest of us.

  If you’re intimidated by being called out by this article, don’t worry. We know where to find you anyway, at Bates’ hottest club: the one and only Chase House. The few, the proud, the crunchy. What are you chasing, anyway? (Besides your degree in Environmental Studies). Is it the glow of knowing a deep cut by Caamp you can play on your radio show during prime time (5am on a Friday morning)? 

Shout-out to all of you disc jockeys at the WRBC. And fortunately for y’all, the radio station is just a quick walk from the haven that is Chase House. Honestly, Chase House might be nice, but come on and commit to the bit. A cozy little shelter in the woods right by the lofty peak of Mt. David would make an even more fittingly earthy abode. Just you and your twelve closest Patagonia-clad friends, hunkered down on the ground.

  Bates prides itself on a student body of ardor and devotion. We believe this to be true. For example, ardently and devotedly, you carry your things around campus in a manner one could only describe as haphazard, and perhaps, dysfunctional. While those certain things may not in fact be natural to us, we’ll defer to your crunchier judgment – we know Mother Nature has a plan for all of us. Ours just doesn’t involve pants with the most pockets we’ve ever seen.

With love (and vast curiosity),

Inez Johnson and Evan Skufca