Editor’s Note: This piece is satire.

As a first year student at the prestigious Bates College, I’ve been so excited to see the party scene at this institution live up to the hype. My senior year of high school, whenever I would tell my friends I was attending the prestigious Bates College, they would remark about the school’s infamous reputation. “Bates College? Isn’t that the Bama of the North?” “I didn’t know you were such a full sender,” they would gasp. The jealousy and admiration in their voices was always palpable. 

Allow me to take you through just one of my numerous crazy nights at the prestigious Bates College. It was a crisp October afternoon, and I had just finished up a brutal assignment for my Intro to Finnish Films course. Wiping a thick layer of sweat from my brow I check my phone to see a Snapchat from my dawg, Chrysanthemum Rotterdam III (We just call him Chris). He was already drinking and it was only 4:45 p.m. What an animal! Anyway, I immediately head over to his dorm room in Page, where I find five other of my boiz absolutely bumping to Yung Gravy. The vibes were immaculate. His roommate was being a total lame-o though, sitting on his bed with his headphones in. Didn’t he know it was a Thirsty Thursday? What a dope! 

We demolish some High Noons before deciding, yup, it’s drommons time! We roll out at about 6:30 p.m. to grab some grub from a TOP 10 NATIONALLY RANKED DINING HALL at the prestigious Bates College. We got in and then absolutely demolished some vegan bar cuisine. We were getting so rowdy, my friend Edwardthun Europium (Eddy) spilled like three cups of chocolate milk! The look on the commons workers faces was HILARIOUS as they cleaned it up! Sorry not sorry! 

Eventually we decide it’s time to dip, so we regroup in Page, smash a few more Nooners, and then roll down to good ol’ Burke! The guys there usually love us, but tonight they were being mad annoying. The kid working the door kept saying that “there was no party” and “we’re not throwing, dude,” which was such cap since it was a Thirsty Thursday. My homie Connecticut Smith (Connor) went crazy and almost got into a fight with the guy! We had to hold him back, he was totally gonna do it. Eventually he decides the chumps aren’t worth it, and we all head back to Page.

Even if Burke was being lame, you can always count on a good Page Rage to get your night back on track! We headed down to the basement common room and it was absolute carnage! There were two, maybe three dozen people going absolutely nuts! They even were playing beer pong on the table tennis table! Doesn’t get more classic than that. We had the most insane 12 minutes of our life, but then Campo came in and told us we had to clear out (laaaaaame!). All in all though, it was still a great night of being rowdy with all my boys. No other school I would rather attend than the prestigious Bates College!