When I was in high school, and none of my friends had had sex yet, I remember everyone worrying about the silliest things happening their first time. They would say, “what if my hymen breaks and I bleed so bad that I bleed out?” or maybe, “what if I accidentally pee?” Looking back, most would call these questions unreasonable. 

You are probably wondering why I am saying “most.” 

Frequently, I am scared of having sex. Not because I don’t know what I’m doing, but because I actually might pee. Plus, if there is a condom with spermicide on it being used, a tongue, or an unwashed finger, I am definitely going to get an infection, and then I am definitely going to pee. 

If I wanted to do it at night, and a partner was going to remove my underwear, then well, how would I explain the adult diaper I sometimes have to wear at night? I was sexually assaulted on campus, and yet, that can’t even be my main reservation about having sex. 

I can’t remember the last time my bladder and kidneys were doing anything right. Peeing yourself as an adult is one of the most depressing and embarrassing things you can go through. Having unannounced bowel movements may be slightly worse, but I have got those too. 

Aside from my physical concerns about mechanics and my illness, it is pretty hard to think of yourself as “sexy” when you go periods of days vomiting and being totally incontinent. How many times have you puked in front of your partner? Have they ever had to clean up your “mess?” 

As much as we want to call ourselves open and accepting of mental and physical illness, we can’t help but point out someone wetting themselves in the Testing Center, or complaining about the smell that accidents leave behind in hallways. It sucks that your floormate peed in the hall. That is so nasty. Do you know what sucks more? Peeing in the damn hall. 

Even if you are sexually active, you might not have sex when you are sick. Some of us don’t just get sick for a few days. Some people live their lives “sick.” So, avoiding sex while you are sick means avoiding it forever, which isn’t exactly practical for a lot of people. Yet, I don’t know of any resources on having a sex life as a person who deals with regular illness. 

The last time I went to the Health Center about my urinary issues, they congratulated me on being sexually inactive. “Really? Didn’t your significant other just come in with you?” they said, which was a bit awkward. I didn’t want to explain all my reasons why, so I said, “we haven’t been together that long.” A nurse told me, “good for you. That’s not reason enough for some people, congratulations!” 

Quickly, it was no longer just awkward, it was invasive and insulting. You might be asked twice a year at the doctor if you’re sexually active. Now imagine having to go to the doctor every week. 

Yeah, maybe sex isn’t the thing to worry about. Maybe getting some organ functioning would be good. Maybe I should be happy that I am alive and kicking. 

But I am in college. I am in my twenties, and many of my peers want to talk about sex. All I can think about is how I have basically had all forms of “accidents” in front of my significant other, and how does one really come back from that?