Andrew Cuomo, New York:

Times New Roman

This dude is clearly a dom. Throughout this crisis, he’s been the one telling it like it is not only to the people of New York, but of the entire country. He was the first governor to publicly confront the national issue, and currently manages the global epicenter of the pandemic. The closure of non-essential business, enforcement of social distancing, and recent renewal of the states’ stay-at-home order all attest to the speed and efficiency of the governor’s work. He’s been firm, fatherly, and downright sexy while leading his state and our country through this Pandemic.

When Andrew Cuomo sends out his rage memos to staffers because they didn’t come to his BYOV (Bring Your Own Ventilator) Party, you know my guy’s using Times New Roman. Like him it’s classic, effective, and adjacently Italian.

Mike DeWine, Ohio:

Courier New

If Cuomo is Rock’n’Roll (which he is) then Mike DeWine is jazz. Governor DeWine’s level-headed nature has capably steered the Buckeye State in this time of crisis. Mikey-D has done an excellent job of closing non-essentials in his State and educating his constituency on the virus. While his calm, gentle demeanor may not appear intimidating, behind those circle glasses is the fire of a thousand Cuyahoga Rivers. 

Like Courier New, DeWine exudes a confidence and manner from a by-gone era. But he’s also cool, a guy you can have a drink with (as long as you’re six feet away). Mike DeWine is an old fashioned mixed with old fashion—so old fashioned in fact that he shut down the remaining women’s hospitals in the state as “non-essential”. So I guess let’s just hope no one gets pregnant during quarantine #quarantinebabies.

Jay Inslee, Washington:

Calibri

Governor Jay Inslee, known to his friends, wife, and children as “Better Out-than-Inslee”, had less time than other governors to prepare for the pandemic; Washington was the first state to feel the heavy hand of COVID-19. Still, Governor Inslee has put strict rules in place to try and combat the spread of the virus. He’s been forceful about making sure non-essentials stay closed, and that citizens adhere to the social distancing guidelines. His work has been so inspirational it almost makes you forget about his failed presidential bid, in which his platform was built solely on the issue of climate change. 

Almost, but not quite.

Governor Jay Inslee gets the job done, but we all know deep down that he, like Calibri, always  has been and always will be slightly off putting.  

Greg Abbott, Texas:

Wing Dings

(Wing Dings)

Governor Abbott, aka “Pretty Boy”, has still not issued a state-wide stay-at-home order for Texas. I guess he’s really waiting to see just how serious this whole “corona” thing actually is. His lack of proactive measures has nothing but adverse effects on his state, and his lack of leadership in combatting the virus has spread confusion on the severity of the crisis. Perhaps Abbott doesn’t want to stop the spread of corona because he intends to harken in the End Days. Maybe he would have an actual shot at the 2024 nomination if society crumbled to ruin. 

The way Governor Abbott’s response correlates to the nonsensical and useless Wing Dings needs no explanation.

Ron DeSantis, Florida:

Comic Sans

Florida, which is where many Americans store their grandparents for safekeeping during the colder months, has been doused in olive-oil and chopped up like that onion you get at Benihana by the coronavirus. The state currently has over 5000 cases. Only this Monday did Governor DeSantis issue stay-at-home orders in several of his state’s counties, but just like Texas, a full state-wide order has yet to be put in place. DeSantis’s inactivity in the past couple weeks, as tourists from around the country flocked to Florida’s beaches, has let the virus grow unmitigated. 

DeSantis’ prioritization of spring-breakers fun over our national health echoes Comic Sant prioritization of looking like a seventh grader’s handwriting over being an actual font. And also like Comic Sans, DeSantis is only in power because of voter suppression and epitomizes contemporary threats to the very stability of American democracy. 

Also, Comic DeSans-tis.