Tally up your score and see which senatorial member of the GOP you are.
What’s your idea of the perfect date?
A. Defunding Planned Parenthood (1 point)
B. Telling your significant other they look hot, and then making clear your belief that climate change is a natural part of the earth’s cycle and that raising taxes won’t do anything to help (2 points)
C. A nice meal at an Italian restaurant, then going dutch on the check because the wage gap isn’t real (3 points)
D. July 4th, 1776 baby (4 points)
What’s your favorite season?
A. Winter because that’s when Jesus was born (1 point)
B. Spring because that’s when Jesus rose from the dead (2 points)
C. Fall, or “autumn”; whichever polls better with non-degree holding white men (3 points)
D. Summer, because 4th of July baby (4 points)
What’s your favorite book?
A. The Fountain Head by Ayn Rand (1 point)
B. The Bible by Jesus (2 points)
C. The Bible by Joseph Smith ‒ lookin’ at you, Romney (3 points)
D. Books? (4 points)
How would others describe your personality in one word?
A. Sexy (1 point)
B. White (2 points)
C. Old (3 points)
D. Very Sexy (4 points)
What’s your favorite TV show?
A. Anything on the History Channel (1 point)
B. Parks and Rec ‒ for Ron Swanson, and Ron Swanson only (2 points)
C. Anything but the news (3 points)
D. The Bible (4 points)
You see a small child drowning in a river, what do you do?
A. Tell him drowning is a hoax perpetrated by China (1 point)
B. Gerrymander so he’s no longer in your district (2 points)
C. Filibuster (3 points)
D. Defund Planned Parenthood (4 points)
Finished? Alright, now tally your score on a piece of paper, and then throw away that piece of paper and go vote for Biden.
This article is a work of satire.