I. A girl walks out of Commons and presses the handicap button with one of her free hands. She is not holding anything that might inhibit her from opening the door and she is apparently able. The door opens on command, as it was designed to do. The girl walks through the open door and presses the button a second time, making sure the second door stays open so she can walk through without impediment. She exits the building and walks into the rest of her life. None of this makes any sense to me and I hold my head in absolute bewilderment and scream.

II. When kicking a door in you should first examine the material and construction of the door. If the door is wooden, then you are golden. If it is metal, you should return with a thermite charge or some other small explosive. When kicking a door in you should pay special attention to the weak points built into the door: the hinges and just below the knob. Stand yourself in front of the door and prepare yourself for the shock of foot to door. Bring your knee up and then extend your lower leg with all your force into the door. The door should then separate from its frame and hinges, allowing access into wherever it is you are going. You may also attempt a running jump kick, which is much more badass.

III. If somebody were to exhume a cadaver and slump it against the door (at Commons), the cadaver would successfully open the door with the weight of its dead, unanimated body. If a dog has enough bulk and initiative it could easily rear onto its hind legs and paw the door open. If I were to ride a bicycle with enough speed into the door (helmet on, of course) I think I would be able to bump open the door. It is all so simple, it is all so effortless. Why force a machine to do it for you?

IV. I once saw a man dangling three bottles of champagne between his fingers and what looked like a full rack of a ribs (St. Louis style) on a ceramic platter. He stopped at a door and looked it up and down with puzzlement. He turned around and brought his knee up and then kicked his heel into the door like a donkey. He shouted “Yo, watch out!” and then walked backwards through the door. Everybody was impressed.

V. My mother worked at a department store in her young adulthood. She arrived to work late one day and walked quickly through the parking lot and towards the front sliding doors. She told me she did not remember what she was thinking when it happened, but she arrived at the doors with too little caution and walked into the door face first. She broke her nose.

VI. Because you can does not mean you should. The world and its many people are vulnerable. They do not want to be taken advantage of or misused. Everything has a purpose, fills a niche. The bird whistles its matin. The squirrel scurries and collects. The handicap button opens the door for people who have trouble opening the door. Do not rob the button of its purpose. Do not diminish its purpose. Just open the door with your hands.